The Silence That Almost Swallowed Me

I started writing about my healing and recovery journey early on, but in the beginning, I could only speak in whispers.

My words were vague and generalized. I didn’t dare say the full truth—because the truth was tied to a pain so deep, so excruciating, that even thinking about it used to take me under. The trauma I survived in childhood was the reason I turned to addiction in the first place. The weight of it all—the memories, the shame, the grief— was too heavy to carry alone.

So for fifteen years, I numbed. I silenced the scream inside me the only way I knew how.

When I finally began my healing journey, my nervous system had to learn—step by step, breath by breath—that it was safe to feel again.

Safe to speak. Safe to take up space.

It took years to build that trust with my body, my voice, my truth.

Now, eleven years later, vulnerability is a core part of how I live and lead. It’s part of who I’ve become. But it wasn’t always this way.

And even now, I still notice moments where I shrink. Where the fear of disappointing or upsetting others creeps in. These are hardwired survival patterns. And some of them—especially when it comes to my family—have been the hardest to break.

One of the most painful and courageous decisions I’ve ever had to make was going no-contact with my father.

This is not something I share lightly. It is layered, misunderstood, and often judged—especially by those who have never survived the kind of trauma I did. For a long time, I held it inside. I carried the weight of estrangement in silence. Not because I didn’t need to speak up, but because I was terrified to.

Terrified of disappointing the family members I was still in contact with. Terrified of being seen as the problem. Terrified of losing the few threads of connection I had managed to keep intact. Unfortunately, in my family system, sides had always been chosen—and they were rarely mine.

So I generalized. I posted the safe versions of my story. I shared just enough to make it look like I was healing, without revealing what I was healing from.

But everything changed when I became a mother.

Keep reading Abby’s article below…